i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She told me I should be a condom model.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
