Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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