Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
