i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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