somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
