I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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