I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
