Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
