ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
PANTIES FOUND
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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