my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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