Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
