When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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