i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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