I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
