Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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