Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
