when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
