Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
