A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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