Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
