My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
