I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
