it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
