I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
