I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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