hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
