I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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