You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
