Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
