how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
