pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
