How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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