apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
