fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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