I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
