Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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