i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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