Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
