I will die if light touches me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i dont even know how to be here
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
