I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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