why didn't you poke me back
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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