hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
