I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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