beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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