just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
