plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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