Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
