I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
