My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
