I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If I die, sorry about rent.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
