y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
